I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
