I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
