He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Did I show you my penis last night?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
