i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
