I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
