$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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