he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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