Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think im going to throw up on grandma
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
