Im at strip club and am horny
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
