I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
