Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
