So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
