he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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