I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
