bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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