I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize