Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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