I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How does one acquire holy water?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
