If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
