Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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