I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
