he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
