matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
