Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
