After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
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