i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
how does that bad decision feel?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize