You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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