She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
