I was born with a shot glass in my hand
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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