LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize