C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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