I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
