Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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