so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
