Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize