I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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