You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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