dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
