i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize