i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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