woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's shark week go big or go home
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
