i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
