I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
