I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
