the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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