we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
