A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
