I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
whose parrot is this?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize