oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Swine flu. Run for my life!
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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