She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
