he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
