Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
