Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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