I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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