I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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