Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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