Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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